I have failed in all my romantic relationships. And if you know me, failure happens but I usually improve and try again, and get what I’m trying to achieve. For some reason, well, many reasons, I cannot do this in an established relationship. One after another after another, I get rejected and it’s never for the same thing. It’s mind boggling and at times extremely frustrating. But, after any rejection, in all aspects of life, you have to brush yourself off and go back at it.
One of my problems is in the very beginning stages of a relationship. This is not the awkward part of “what are we?”, it’s even before that. It starts with the infatuation. The “I think I like you in that way” stage. The stage before the dance of whether you want to pursue a relationship.
I love very seldom. I like or am infatuated very easily. The “I like you” part of relationship is my drug. I am like a pig in slop when it comes to that stage. I day dream, literally day dream what the future could be with this person. If you were to collect all the infatuation periods I’ve had, I lived a lot of futures with a lot of men. Now, before you completely write me off like a crazy, stage five clinger spinster, I’m not the type that thinks of the potential guy’s last names with mine (because my name as is is totally me, and have even had a fight with an ex boyfriend of not wanting to change my name to his if we got married). I don’t have a Pinterest board of wedding stuff to relive the same day but with a different guy. I never act on any of these “I like you” day dreams. It’s all in my head, driving me mad. What I do is I sit at my desk at work, and think about him calling me. When I’m making dinner, I think to myself if he’d like this. I wonder what our weekends would be like. I wonder if he’d get along with my dog and cats. I’m just imagining how this guy would be in my life.
With those thoughts, I get into this whirlwind of emotions of an non-existent relationship, just an infatuation. And out of the many times I’ve done this thinking and I act on my infatuation, I’m usually rejected. When it comes to the infatuation stage, I usually get the “We’re better off as friends” or “I see you like a sister”. Even when it hurts, I’m glad it ends there. In a relationship, I want someone that wants me. The thoughts decline to other things. Any infatuation diminishes and dies down. At first it feels like the wind was taken from my sails, but the ocean is calm. I’m just glad it ends there before dredging into the relationship stages. That is just a mess. It’s a train wreck that everyone close to me loves to watch. I’m pretty sure people in my office place bets on when it’ll end.
The one thing I’ve learned after all of the years of this dumb infatuation is to not act on it. Just stop thinking of it and move onto something else. Lovers and infatuations come and go, like the tide of the ocean. You just got to look out at the horizon and not focus on the waves. If the waves come to you, then they do. If they don’t, then they don’t. I’ve done a great job for awhile, except this weekend. The feelings of infatuation broke the dam and is flooding all my thoughts. I can’t stop thinking about him.