Online dating: The Beginning of Something Awful

Back, years ago, after I bought my house and gained 40 pounds I was so lonesome. I lived by myself in this empty house and I just needed companionship that I once had. My serious relationship was over for a little over a year, and I told myself that it was time to move on. I felt awful about myself and thought that no one would ever love me. Who could love a land whale like myself? The “clear” step at that point was to do some online dating. I’m not the type of person that will go up to strangers and start talking to them, and I’m afflicted with RBF, Resting Bitch Face. I just have a scowl or don’t wear an approachable face.

I have never done online dating before and researched my options. The easiest format I found was OKCupid. I liked the percentage of matches and was very user friendly. I didn’t get a lot of hits or views from guys but I told myself that I would talk to each and every one that decided to message me. What a fucking mistake that was.

RULE # 1 – Do not message every guy that messages you. Do look at the profile and scope it out. If you get a good vibe, then proceed. Again, DO NOT message every guy that messages you

I was so naive it was actually darling looking back. But highly dangerous if with the wrong person. I told all the guys I was talking to that I like to start out as friends and build a good foundation on that. And that turned most of them away. But one guy that started conversation with me was in total pursuit. And it was the first time in a very long time that I felt that I wasn’t the complete scum of the world.

RULE # 2 – No guy or girl will complete you. If you think online dating or finding someone is going to change that, you’ll be sadly disappointed.

Anyways, this guy finally asked me out. We met for the first time at a dive bar. I could drink him under the table. Impressed by my drinking ability, he kept wanting to go walk to his place, which was supposedly right around the corner. I told him that I wanted to stay at the bar. So after a couple hours, I called a cab and left the date. The guy was bummed. Oh well. I felt the entire date that he just wanted to A)fuck me and B)be a couple right then and there. I wasn’t attracted to him, and I viewed him more of a friend type.

So he kept talking to me on OKCupid, because I didn’t give out my number. And he gave me his number whenever you want to talk, here it is. I told him repeatedly that I felt like this was more of a friend thing and didn’t want to bring the wrong impression. The following Saturday night I got bored and got drunk (all this happened around period of my life of being perma-drunk, I drank like a fish). I looked at the phone number and decided “Why the hell not? He’s my friend” So we did a little texting and he asked to come over. My drunk ass was like “OF COURSE!”

Rule # 3 – Never make identity decisions when under the influence of anything. Don’t give out addresses, phone numbers, etc. when under the influence, because more times than not, you will regret it

He arrived in no time. He brought over some drinks, I just kept drinking. I think this guy was in awe of me and my ability to drink so much and be as coherent as I was. I just talked. And Talked. Talked. Talked Blah Blah Blah. Just going off of nonsense. And this guy just stared at me. He would try to get close, and I just pushed him away. He continued to stare while I talked about… stuff? I don’t even know what the fuck one can talk about for hours.  I was like “Well, I’m going to pass out” fifty times in between the breaths of me talking. He just stared. He didn’t converse back, just stared. I finally kicked him out of my house around 4am. I opened the door was like “I think you need to go”.  On the way out, he grabbed my hands and looked me in the eyes and said “I think I’m really falling for you” and leaned in for a kiss. I gave him a peck and kicked him out. I sobered up pretty quickly. This was the second time being with him in person.

He then proceeded to text, message, and try to contact me as much as possible. I broke (and continue to break) this next rule.

RULE # 5 – Silence is the worst. Do not ignore. If you are not feeling it, you need to tell them. That way you are not letting them wonder. They will know where you stand

I ignored him. I blocked him from OKCupid. He got the hint of not texting me anymore. And I never spoke to him again. His messages and reaching out tapered out as well. I should have told him I wasn’t interested, and I definitely shouldn’t have kissed him. But it was just a peck! I was on the spot. It still doesn’t excuse that I should have told him again that I wasn’t interested.

I go on sprees with online dating. I like the dating scene. I like dating and meeting guys. I’ve had some incredible flings and romances thanks to online dating. It has really helped me get out of the emotional funk I was in. I realized I’m not perfect, but you got to get out of your comfort zone and meet some guys. But I’m so ready to settle down. There was a time I was a dating queen. I just loved the male attention and just feeling like I was wanted. And that’s something that I desire in a partner. His eyes to lust for me emotional and physically. And I at least for awhile was getting the lusting for the physical, which hadn’t happened like that ever in my life. It was nice.

One night, I was winding down and watching some TV. During this time I was having a hard time going to sleep, so I smoked weed before I would go to bed. It works wonders for me. Anyways, I took a bong rip of some sweet ganja. Whenever I smoke weed, the first five minutes is hell for me. I’m high, paranoid, and just antsy, but once the initial high wears off, it’s fantastic. As I’m blowing out the smoke, there’s a knock on my door. My dog is spinning in circles so excited that someone is here. It’s about 9:30ish at night, close for me going to bed. Side note, my neighborhood I live in is a little sketchy and I have had peeping toms before. My first reaction to the door knock is “Shit! It’s the cops!” So I sneak over and look out my peep hole. No, it can’t be. No. OMG. I think… I think… I’m high. It just can’t be. Dude from my first online date was at my door. Almost exactly one year later to the day. I just slinked away from the door, with my dog still doing circles. I just told myself, you didn’t hear that, you just need to go to bed, but in like 30 minutes to make sure no one is watching the house. I went to bed without a hitch and just thinking, it couldn’t have been that guy. No way.

The next morning, I woke up totally forgetting about the night before really. I had other things on my mind. I opened my front door and there was a pack of ginger beers, a huge bottle of vodka, and limes. I peered at this and brought everything inside. Inside the ginger beers was the guys’ business card. He used to work with an attorney, he at that time worked for a cell phone place. It was the weirdest and a flat out creepy thing to happen to me.

RULE # 6 – Avoid going to people’s homes that you have met in person twice. Especially a year to date. And avoid going to people’s homes that you haven’t had contact with in a year that you’ve met only twice. I guess this rule is don’t be a creeper at someone’s house.

The one thing that I’m willing to share with you and not him, is that years later I figured he wanted to make me a vodka mule. And those are my favorite cocktail.

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