This year I turned 28. Twenty fucking eight. I still can’t believe my age. And looking around my life I never imagined I’d be here.
I’m a 28 year old, single, white female. I have zero romantic prospects right now. I have a crush, if that even counts. But it might just be because I’m lonely. Who the fuck knows. All I’ve ever wanted in life was to be loved. I wanted a husband. I didn’t really think about having kids or anything like that. But I wanted someone to share my life with. And I still continue to want that, but it’s difficult. I feel like I’m expired milk. Like the milk that expired yesterday, and with each passing year get a little more expired.
I’ve talked with older people, and hell I worked with older people for a long time. And now there are new faces to work with and it makes me think that I’m becoming old. My older friends say it’s fine, but why don’t I feel fine about it? Why am I freaking out?
I live in an area that is a high density of LDS families. Growing up around LDS kids and culture, it’s pretty much get married as soon as possible and have kids. So a lot of my friends, old classmates, etc. have multiple kids. Even the non-LDS people are starting to plan to have kids. And here I am, single. Very, very alone. Very, very, very single.
All these feelings have been coming up as of late because my best friend is getting married this month. Whenever big life events happen, I always reflect on my life. And there are times I totally enjoy my life. I enjoy my freedom. I enjoy getting to write in my blog, or read Game of Thrones, and just do whatever the fuck I want without anyone saying anything. But other times, it’s just fucking lonely and it feels sad.
So lately I’ve been doing something that I’ve actually surprised myself. I have a plan that if I continue to be single and not get into a relationship (which seems like I’m going to be single forever, and I should just face the facts), that I need to do the next step… What about a kid?
I never really thought in my twenties that I was a mom figure. But the older I get I actually like the idea of having kids. I would be upset if I never had kids. But if I didn’t have kids, it would be upsetting, but I wouldn’t be devastated. Like some people want kids. They always knew they wanted kids. I’m not one of those people. My mom’s good friend from Utah, who is a pilot, gave me the best pep talk anyone has ever given me at this age at my grandpa’s funeral. She said, “Don’t get me wrong I love my kids, but if I never had kids in general, my life would still be as awesome as it is with kids. I would make it awesome” And no one has ever told me that side of being single and people pressuring you with “time’s ticking”. It was super refreshing. So I keep that in mind. If it happens awesome, if it doesn’t that’s great too.
But I thought, what about adoption? My aunt and uncle adopted my cousin from China. And I thought that was so amazing. I’m now becoming familiar with the foreign and domestic adoption process, the cost and just everything that is involved. On one hand I think I’m just fucking losing it. That screw finally came loose and rolled underneath the couch. The other part, I’m thinking, that sounds amazing. My heart is swelling up just thinking about adopting a child.
The life plan I started towards last year was that I wanted to move after five years of hard work saving up. I wanted to move to Boston, actually. Live in a tiny apartment in the South End. I still want that. I want to live in a big city and just be. But now, now… this adoption is make me think. Is this what I want in five years? What do I want? Am I done being selfish?
I don’t know.
So I’m going to continue forth on researching everything. I’m not one to rush into major life decisions without lots of thinking. But this idea popped in my head, and the more I think about it the more I love it. And I’m open to love, but I’m done trying to date for it. I’m done looking under each rock for it. I’ll never be done obsessing over it because love is the one thing in my life that I’ve always wanted. But my energy is drained from trying. So with all this energy to this non-existent part of my life, why not look into my next step?