What a fucking year…
January literally started with a stranger on my couch and watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. I dove right into my liver cleanse. I bitch for about a week about my liver cleanse, but I love the feeling I get towards the end of it. Soberness can be the most incredible feeling in the world and can, at times, surpass the feeling of being inebriated. I bit the bullet and got a massive tattoo on my arm. It is five flowers, four representing my parents, my brother, my nephew, my grandmothers and my grandfather. My parents have been against tattoos every since I figured out what a tattoo was. But after talking to my dad, he was disappointed but pretty much said it was my life, I just needed his blessing. It’s the best decision I’ve made this year. And the events that were to happen afterwards make me cherish it even more. My loves ones are here on my arm with me. How cool is that? Mid January was the shatter cup gate. This was an incident that happened New Years Eve at a couple’s house. A friend that was highly intoxicated (and glared at me for the majority of the night) broke a glass outside. I was pretty much outside the majority of the night chain smoking because my New Years Resolution was to quit smoking. After I tried to clean up all the ceramic shards because the couple had dogs with said friend yelling at me to stop cleaning it up, I put the pieces on a table and didn’t think anything of it. Mid January one of the dogs got hurt by the cup and there was a Facebook message sent about “Who broke the glass?” from the couple. I told the couple what happened (without stating that the friend was incredibly intoxicated or that that person was yelling at me to stop cleaning it up) and was feeling INCREDIBLY guilty that clearly I didn’t clean up all of it. I told them that if they needed anything from me to ask and I would do whatever because of the guilt. Well, the couple confronted the friend because of past issues as well. And said friend stops talking to me. This said friend was my best friend since high school. And to this day, we still haven’t talked about what happened. Both the friend and the couple are my friends. And I didn’t feel as though I was throwing anyone under the bus because when telling the couple, I told them the truth. Skimmed over the fact the other person broke it but was freaking out that I didn’t clean up all of the shards. She wants to be angry at me for telling the truth, so be it.
February was a soul searching month. After doing some tarot, to be more specific Wizard’s Tarot, I found that my spirit animal is a Great Tailed Grackle. So that was exciting! Then I came across a book about the Konmari method of tidying and organizing. And pretty much the month was dedicating to getting rid of things. And there was a lot of baggage still hanging around my house of old relationships where it felt like having it was holding me back. I was super sad to let some of the things go, but how can I move on when I surround myself with my previous life? My parents (whom are closet hoarders) freaked out. They didn’t like that I was just donating so much stuff. I didn’t need any of it. I don’t need so much stuff. And even after doing a large portion of my home I still have way too much stuff. This next year I need to focus on going through everything. Then the last of the month was the greatest party I have ever thrown. The Wizard Party. Everyone (or at least almost everyone) dressed up like wizards and we just drank and had so much fun! I created some magical food and some people played wizard staff. That’s a drinking game of taping empty beers to create a staff. And whomever got the most would clearly be the drunkest and the White Wizard. I can’t remember who got that title. But I can say that recycling was a bit hilarious.
March started pretty awesome. Key word, started. My friend introduced me to Game of Thrones and I was hooked… My friends were going to have a viewing party to celebrate the new season (5) that was coming up so I had to watch all of the episodes up to the viewing party season. We were watching season 4 at the party. I got up to season 3 and shit started to get real. My grandfather passed away. He passed pretty quickly. Or I should say his decline. The last conversation I had with him, he didn’t recognize me for half of it. I think that part of me knew. His last words to me was “I will always pine for you, Genie”. I thought he was just having a spell or something. And when I picked up my Grandma and my mom from the airport (they were down in Florida, my grandpa stayed home), I saw my grandpa in a medical bed with his eyes closed. He was still alive but barely. He was pretty much waiting to hear from my grandma and my mom. Then he passed away that night they got back. I spoke at his funeral. Which I never thought I would speak at anyone’s funeral. And now my grandma has made me promise to speak at hers. It’s still surreal. I sometimes talk about my grandpa like he’s still here. And I think I do that because he is. He’s still around just in a different form.
April was the month of trying to pick up the pieces. My life felt so out of control. So I decided to paint. I bought a butt load of interior paint and I painted my front room and fireplace. Then I painted a bathroom. I painted my front door. I just wanted some sort of control in my life and why not paint? And most of the paint was bright, cheery colors. I just needed that. Also in April I found out that I no longer was in Hufflepuff. Ever since Harry Potter came out my answers put me in Hufflepuff. Then I went on Pottermore and found out I was actually a Slytherin. I was just really an emotional wreck. Not knowing how to feel and starting to become numb to everything.
In May, I was perma drunk. This is my birthday month and I just partied it up. I just didn’t want to feel anything, really. My life was changing and I knew that it was going to change even more in June. I was dreading the end of June in the worst way.
June was chalk full. There was a bachelorette party that was so much fun! I got us a luxury suite at a hotel downtown and we just partied it up! It was a fun night with some fun ladies. It ended with dancing to RuPaul’s “Sissy that Walk”at the club, which the next morning I got a retweet from RuPaul. I pretty much told everyone that I was famous. Hahah! Then there was a gorgeous wedding of my best friend. I cried for most of the ceremony, then danced my ass off to stop crying. Some of the dance moves involved chairs. Not going to lie, it was pretty fantastic. And once the happy couple came back from their honeymoon, they moved to a different state. My bestie that lived down the street is now a five hour drive away. June 2015 was the end of an era. But man, what an end it was.
During July, I was mostly in shock. My grandfather passing away and my main support system gone. The first of July was the second funeral I went to this year. It was for a five year old boy that drowned. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. That was the third child’s funeral I’ve ever been to in my life. Anytime you go to a funeral like that it sticks with you. Even though I didn’t know the boy (he was a step grandson to a coworker), it still cuts you. But life has to go on. Life changes and you can’t sulk or keep revisiting the past. You have to move forward. My dad took me fly fishing for the first time and I was hooked. I caught a large fish but right when I was going to take a good look out of the water it took off. I escaped to the mountains, trying to escape from reality, really. Then I planned my first trip to Salt Lake City, where my friend moved. Her husband was out of town and so I decided I’d come visit and perhaps elevate any loneliness.
Latrice Royale, the betta fish, became a family member of Asgard (my house) in August. He is the only testosterone at Asgard and he is fabulous. I had a family reunion with my dad’s side of the family, which was interesting because a lot of them I’ve never met or honestly had no idea they existed. August as a whole was collecting the pieces and trying to make the new normal. I was feeling as though I was trying to get my footing.
Some of our friends went down to Salt Lake City to meet up with the couple in September. That was fun to get the group together and just have a bunch of fun. We went to the Dinosaur museum and just really enjoyed each other’s company. I tried In-N-Out Burger for the first time, and really wish that they would just bite the bullet and have a location in Idaho. I’m pretty sure the founders of In-N-Out Burger hates Idaho and it’ll never happen. But god damn. It’s good. Also in September, I found out that my personality (according to Briggs-Myers) is ENFJ. And after looking up that, I’m starting to understand myself even more. It’s been pretty eye-opening.
October 7th is when my heart broke again. My fur baby Alice was put down. She was my first pet on my own. And everything I’ve done, like get a house and provide a comfortable life wasn’t just for me, it was for her. She was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a child. I catch myself still looking for her and seeing her face when I walk in the front door. And I still have a hard time believing that she’s gone. My friends in town threw an early Halloween party in October. I dressed up as Wednesday Addams, and not going to lie, it was pretty fantastic. That party was the beginning to a great new friendship with a girl that come to find out we’ve should have met and been friends since 2005. She was a step ahead of me. We were living parallel lives. It’s super bizarre, but she’s awesome! I did the usual, watch some classic Halloween movies, carved pumpkins and ate an ungodly amount of candy. On the 27th, my dad and I saw an object on fire falling from the sky. It was most likely a meteor entering the atmosphere. It was breathtaking and truly incredible. This is the 2nd one I’ve ever seen. I invited people to come over on Halloween night but I couldn’t get too crazy because I had a place to be on the 1st.
November 1st was the third funeral I went to this year. And the fourth child’s funeral I’ve ever been to. This was a coworker’s 3 year old son. I felt numb. My grandma got hit by a car in a parking lot. (This is the only grandma I’ve known and her husband was the one that passed away this year). And my grandpa’s ultimate decline was when my grandma a couple maybe even three years back ran over my grandpa’s foot by accident and he cracked his hip. Luckily in this incident with my grandma being hit by a car, she didn’t break anything. And to be quite frank, I’m pretty sure it was my grandpa’s doing. He saved her. This month I almost quit my job. And still am regretting the fact I didn’t just leave. But I made a promise and a pact that I wouldn’t leave work high and dry. We’ll see in six months. My friends from out of town met up the day before Thanksgiving and we had too much fun. I was extremely hungover for Thanksgiving and I don’t know if I’ll be doing that again. Hahaha!
December is one of my favorite times of year. So I tried to go all out. I really just needed a little Christmas this year more than ever. I needed the happiness and joy. And I went all out. I decorated my house, mailed out Christmas cards (I loved getting all the responses on Gary Busey card!) I watched Die Hard in a movie theater and the new Star Wars! I spent time with all the people that I love and enjoy their company throughout the month. I just really needed this excellent ending to this shitty year.
Now here we are. I didn’t think I would be able to survive this year. But coming out of it, I realize how strong I am. I have so much respect and love for myself to just keep going. It’s so easy to sit on my ass and cry, complain, worry, and do nothing but wallow in sadness, negativity, loneliness, and woes. It’s hard, but dust yourself off and get back up. Even if you feel like you can’t take any more, get yourself up! This year has literally felt like a boxing match. Hit after hit and no time for a breather. And when it slows down you’re trying to get your footing and not feel dizzy from all the hits. I am so thankful for all my friends and my parents because honestly without them I really wouldn’t know what to do. I wouldn’t have the amazing support system to help me through all the hardships. My friends are true, because they were with me during the bad and the good. And I could never express my gratitude and love for all of them in words to amount to what I feel about them. Even with all the bullshit, I’m so damn lucky.