OH GAW

After coming home from Las Vegas, I was feeling so good. I ate, drank, and was merry.

Then going over the mail I got during my absence, I got a notice from my doctor’s office. URGH. I have an appointment on the 12th of this month.

Every time I go, I get so self conscience of my weight.

I consider myself thick. I don’t think of myself as fat or obese or anything like that. I just am thick with curves in most of the right places.

My last experiences with my doctor have been less than desirable. My doctor tells me that I should be the weight when I was 19 years old. Which was during a time where A) I had a moderate eating disorder (I ate very little and my caloric intake was booze) and B) I was too poor to buy food (again, spending most of my money on booze and eating one meal a day). I didn’t go to the doctor when I was 19 years old because I moved to Portland and didn’t seek anything medical. When I moved back to my home town I was significantly heavier. Dealing with a breakup and drinking wayyy too much I gained 60+ pounds. She then lectured me on how I was physically building a wall around me to keep people out. Offended at the time, I hated the doctor. The more time that statement settled, the more I found out she was totally right.

But my doctor in the past couple years has expressed concern thinking that I was not losing the weight to where I was when I was 19. I told her I work in a stressful office job. (Working in a collection agency…. yeah. It’s fucking stressful) and being basically sedentary is cause for not losing a lot of weight and even gaining. Now, I’m not making excuses for myself. I can get off my ass and work out, but I’m a lazy bitch. I’m the first to admit it. But my doctor again thinks that I have a possible thyroid problem, and keeps bugging me to draw blood. Which I’ve never had my blood drawn and to be quite frank it freaks me out.

If my doctor this time around asks for it, I’m going to have to do it. But I’m afraid of what they’ll find. I don’t want to find that I have high cholesterol, diabetes, or anything that would involve taking medications. I don’t want to find out issues. I’d rather just be me how I am now because I don’t feel pain and am not experiencing any troubles. And it just scares the shit out of me.

So after getting this notice, I decided (which happens every year) that I need to get my shit together and start getting in shape. Granted, after Vegas, I stepped on the scale and I’m about 10 pounds over where I normally should be. So I’m kicking it in high gear.

Every spring this happens. I get back into working out, eating right (almost a vegetarian to vegan diet), and lose weight after the doctor’s appointment. I continue this path all the way through summer, and beginning of fall. Then Halloween comes around and I trash everything that I’ve been doing and just go into full out fat kid mode. This continues through and after the holidays. Then spring, my annual doctor’s appointment comes around, and I start all over again.

But let me tell you this, I’ve been working out everyday since coming back home from Vegas, and I always forget how much I like working out. I hate it during. I despise it and everyone and everything around me during. But afterwards, you feel like an absolute goddess.

Yesterday I built a porch with stone pavers. I recycled some pavers on another part of my yard. And fuck. I didn’t think I would be so sore, but hell. That was ridiculous. I felt like I was in Crossfit class or something. But my triceps are so sore from lifting. So I’ve been dabbling on purchasing some weights to do at home during lunch or just watching TV.

Wish me luck for this next week. I’m trying to lose this stupid 10 pounds (hopefully a little more) and get on the right track and just lose some motha fuckin weight. I just don’t want to hear the bitching from my doctor. URGH.

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