I’m going to be real with all of you.
This last bit, I’ve been trying to change certain things in my life. I want to live as long as I can and be healthy. But in order to be healthy you have to be healthy with your body, but most importantly with your mind.
My mind has not been right. It has not been a good place. I can’t remember the last time I felt like this. It’s not sadness. It’s emptiness. Feeling so lost. Like nothing in this world can make me feel whole or worthy or feel like I matter.
It’s been really hard and trying. And it’s super difficult even putting this out there.
I’m a huge advocate of suicide prevention. My grandfather and friends have killed themselves. And I wish I could have let them know that they mattered. Even with all their negative thoughts and thinking that they didn’t or no one cares about them or that their life was terrible, you wish you could reach for them, hug them and let them know that they matter.
I was at a place where I needed to eat my own words. And I currently am.
I’ve had a lot of my emotional baggage and grief, that I thought I drowned in the sea of my soul, float straight to my heart recently. Almost like an injection, it went straight through my veins and pulsed throughout my body and stayed there for quite some time. And it has left me with numerous panic attacks. I’ve had them before but not like this. Where you can’t breathe, you can function, you can cry for a little but there’s nothing left. You feel like you are standing in a room filled with people screaming until your lungs fill up with fluid and no one even looks. No one even cares.
It’s been a really rough patch I’ve been going through. And I’m getting past it. I’ve reached out for help and my tight group of people have my back. And sometimes you just need someone to say “It’s OK”.It’s still a battle every day, but the more I talk with my close people the better I feel. Also writing it down in a journal and helping you sort out feelings and making a list (of people, places, and things) that makes you happy totally helps.
If you are reading this and feeling the same feelings as I did, please contact Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you have friends or family to talk to, talk to them. Share your feelings and what you’re going through. You’d be surprised by the overwhelming amount of support of people. I think we all get so caught up in our own lives that we forget others that may need to know that someone is there for them. YOU MATTER.