30

The last couple of months have led up to this moment… a moment that happened on Thursday, but a moment none the less!  I hit a milestone of 30 years old.  “What the fuck” is my thought about it. I don’t feel 30, I just feel like me. So I guess that’s nice!

I was being pressured by family and friends to do a huge party, and to be honest, I have so much stress in my life right now that planning my own damn party was not going to be another stress. I mean, shouldn’t a birthday party honestly be planned by someone else? In years past, I planned my own party simply because I knew no one would. I don’t need a party or presents or really any acknowledgement of an age milestone. We are pretty much celebrating, “Congratulations, you didn’t die yet” or “You are still alive?! Awesome!”

But don’t you think that we should celebrate that every day?

My life perspective has shifted ever since I met Gator (my boyfriend…clearly not his name but is actually my nickname for him). Like I previously posted with a link to Reddit, he has gone through a whole lot. And I’ve been navigating my own feelings and perspective.

I figure that this post is a bit dark, but to be completely honest, I think this is the most positive I’ve been in the aspect of life. I feel like I have something to live for. And I mean that not like my boyfriends gives me LIFE, but he’s given me the encouragement to be myself. I feel like I’m more myself around him than I have ever been with anyone. I always feel like I’m hiding behind a mask so I don’t hurt people and selfishly I don’t hurt myself. It’s like I’m showing a watered down version of myself.

The only problem I’m having with him is that I want him around all the time, and he very much doesn’t want that. Like I’ve said before, he has trauma and to be honest this relationship and the seriousness of it frightens him. And if I were in his shoes, I can completely understand that.  But, it becomes embarrassing for me that most of my friends think I’m just spending all my free time with Gator. And when I tell them that I physically see him twice a week, it’s shocking. Yeah, dating for nine months…. High five. So I’m practicing patience and picking up hobbies and things I love to do by myself.

But with every passing year, I reflect. And on my birthday, I did some tarot. I did a 5 card spread it this is how it turned out:’

Last Year – The Magician: Action, Concentration, Power, Resourcefulness, Skill
Let Go – Six of Pentacles: Charity, Generosity, Giving, Prosperity, Sharing Wealth
Gift – Page of Pentacles: Financial Opportunity, Manifestation, New Job
Embrace – Three of Swords: Grief, Painful Separation, Rejection, Sorrow Heartbreak
Next Year – Nine of Wands: Courage, Persistence, Resilience, Test of Faith

(Thanks Biddy Tarot for your card meanings!)

So that’s interesting and have my thoughts on all of it. But the one that bothers me the most is the let go? So don’t be generous?

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